♥ A Letter to my Geel!! ♥
I wish I didn’t have to write this letter to you!!!! By doing so it is forcing me to officially come to terms that you are really gone!!!! Ever since your mother woke me up at 1:10 am on November 5 our world has been destroyed and will obviously never be the same. Nothing feels good any more from food, to music, to breathing, nothing!!!!!!
I have attempted many times to start this letter and just can’t seem to find the strength to put my feelings on paper. For the last four months I have been pretending to be strong to help your mom and brothers get through this horrific tragedy. No parents or family should have to go through this ordeal. It is not supposed to be like this! However all parents quickly realize that as soon as their children become teenagers and start driving or going into cars with friends that a midnight call or visit from the police is something we all pray to never experience.
I can still remember when your mother asked me to try to have a third child. We already had your brothers and she always wanted a girl. My first reaction was why??? I didn’t understand anything about girls as I had 3 brother and now two sons. Well as usual I couldn’t say no to your mother (or you for that matter) and thanks to God on April 9, 1987 she/we got our wish!!!!
Even though I was happy having a baby girl I was completely terrified that I wouldn’t know how to take care of a little girl. Well now that I have had 18 years of experience I still don’t know how, but I do know that all I could do is love you and try my best to guide and protect you. In reality you held the upper hand from day one and to a large extent you had the entire family under your spell. For that matter I am also realizing that was true every where you went from, school, to friends, to hairdressing.
It didn’t take me long to realize that you were not like the boys. The boys were lean and wiry while you were always soft and cuddly. You always had your cute little milk belly. As you became a toddler your mother really started dressing you up like a little doll. Your beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes were so captivating. I can still remember you in you little denim vest looking like the Kids Incorporated girl (Stacey) who is now a singer with the Black Eyed Peas. Many people also said you looked like Michelle from Full House. It was always fun playing games and reading books to you. Especially Hands Down. Somehow you always beat me at every game.
Your mother started to work part time when you started school to help out. That meant that I had to give you guys’ baths and even worse try to do your pony tail. No matter how lousy I did it you always told me Daddy it looks great and then you’d fix it. I always used to laugh when you’d take the end of your pony tail and make it into a point and try to give us a shot. You’d call it medicine. It was so cute and funny to watch everyone cover their ears.
When you started grammar school at St. John’s you always looked so cute in you catholic school outfit. Your brothers were always there to take care of you on the bus and at school. You joined brownies while you were at St. John’s and I really loved taking you to meetings and campouts as we’d sing all of your brownie songs together. As a matter of fact a lot of my favorite times have to do with just listening to you talk while I would be driving you places. Your were always so dramatic and funny and I tried not to laugh but many times I couldn’t help myself.
Although you were always a girly girl at heart you did attempt to try to please me by playing sports. In most cases you enjoyed socializing with your girlfriends more than playing. It was really evident when you scored a goal while talking and fixing your hair. It was also quite a highlight when you hit a homerun in softball by basically hitting a bunt down the third base line and scoring on three over throws!!!!. When you played basketball I always loved watching you play defense. You basically kept your arms around you opponent and held them!! The one athletic activity that you really did well at was swimming. When you were younger we could never get you out of the water. As you got older you became more concerned about tanning.
I'll always think of you as a home body. When you were little you were always playing with your Barbie’s or in the back yard on the swing set. It used to be so cute when you couldn’t swim in your blow up pool calling to me Daddy watch me. No matter if you called or not I was always watching you!!!! I spent a lot of time worrying about teaching you to ride your bike which you did but rarely rode. Then as you got older all the time you spent daily on your hair, make-up and clothes. I used to always look forward to seeing how you would do yourself up although as you got older we argued about too much make-up. I always felt you were beautiful without, but I know that was you being Steph..
Probably my favorite thing to do was to watch you dance. I loved everything about it. From you saying at three years old "Dancin School, Over there, Tuesday, in the back" to driving you or picking you up to ultimately your recitals. I loved to watch your recitals as you always looked so beautiful and it was always so nice to see all the girls performing together.
When I saw say you in your prom dress I truly knew you had grown into a young lady even though I wasn’t ready to lose my little girl. You were so beautiful I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You looked so much like your mother but on the other hand I have never seen anyone with a smile like yours!!! It could light up the world!! Luckily the only thing you got from me is perfect earlobes!! When you little I called you Grape, Pink Panther, Feffer, Sweet Bear, and Geel. You were had now become Stephanie on the verge of taking on the world
Some of my best and scariest times happened this last year teaching you to drive. Teaching you was nothinglike teaching the boys. First off you had no sense of directions or for that matter any idea how a carworks. You used to tell your mom that you were afraid you were going to give me aheart attack!! There were definitely a few times that I said brake and you hit the gas and a couple of lawns that should have been avoided. However you listened and got better each time!! I was so proud when you passed your test the first time and even more proud when the examiner told me that you passed your parallel park but asked to do it again and did it even better!!!!. That proved what we had talked about while still practicing that you could do whatever you set your mind on to achieve.
As you headed towards high school graduation we spent a lot of time talking about your future. I wanted you to go to college as you were always a good student and wanted you to have every opportunity. You told me that you knew your calling was hair and make-up. After a while I finally realized the obvious. Our deal was that you’d finish Shear Ego, then you’d get your business degree and then I’d buy you a shop. I wish I got the chance to finish the deal as I know it would have been a sure thing with your talent!!! I know you were truly going to shine bright and be a star!!Prior to your birth I couldn’t understand how to handle a girl. Now I can’t figure out how to go on without my little girl. You were truly an amazing charismatic force. People gravitated to you like steel to a magnet. You were the focus of the entire family and now that you are not here we are struggling to find our balance.
Stephanie, I will always love you very, very, very, very much!!! I will really, really, really never get over not having you in my life. I wish that I could have danced with you at your wedding while they played Butterfly Kisses like you planned. You always wanted me to be proud of you. That was never a problem!!! I was always proud of you and know in my heart that you were special and there was no stopping you once you set your mind on a target. I thank God for the times we had but I feel cheated.!!! Until I can hug and kiss my baby girl again!
Love you 4 Evah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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